MR. FRIENDLY FAT FARMER!

Farmers?

Here at the Outrage we take easy shots at all the predictable targets: lawyers, bureaucrats, politicians, and the vast network of vermin that make up modern society.

But we dedicate today’s thoughts to one of the sacred cows, so to speak, of American society – our friend, the farmer.

In addition to pigging out at the federal trough to the tune of billions of dollars in federal subsidies, most of which go to huge corporate farmers,
farmers are responsible for a huge amount of pollution. While Birkenstock wearing environmentalists get all wet and misty about saving open space, the fact is that about half of the pollutants swept into local waterways are the result of pesticides from farms. While real estate developers are strictly regulated, and often seen as the villains in wastewater pollution, they contribute far less pollution than the friendly local farmer.

Clueless actresses bemoan the loss of the family farm, but the fact is that we have far more farmers than necessary. In fact, farmers currently produce about 3,800 daily calories for every man, woman, and child in the United States – and even you, big boy, need only about 1,500-2,000. (And, looking at the accumulating folds around your waist, I might say even less in your case.)

While drug dealers get a bad rap for pushing often fairly harmless drugs, the friendly farmer is hoping you have another big plate of that subsidized chow, encouraging you to join the rapidly fattening American public on your way to clogged arteries and a massive stroke. And while your waist gets fatter, and your wallet thinner, you might ponder all the cultural benefits brought to you by Mr. Friendly Farmer – fashion forward overalls, saccharine country music, all that witty repartee. On the other hand, there are those farmers’ daughters…

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We are, of course, amazed that our readers occasionally disagree with our brilliant and witty essays. In fact, sometimes quite a few readers think that The Outrage editors are wrong, misanthropic, idiotic, selfish, deluded, or all of the above.

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